Who Let The Dogs Out? Family says Upgrade Teddy is to Blame...
New updates are in for the ongoing legal battle between Upgrade Teddy and Downgrade Donny’s family Board of Trustoos.
Following the mysterious tragic death of Downgrade Donny (WHAT MONSTER TOOK HIM FROM US?!?), many of his assets fell into the hands of his beneficiary and brother, Upgrade Teddy.
This included the inheritance of Donny’s lucrative and ironic business, Donny’s Daunting Dog Jail. Business has been booming after the rise in dog-related criminal activity, and it was in Teddy’s hands to continue the day-to-day upkeep of these mischievous creatures.
The Board of Trustoos was put in place to oversee the jail’s transitional period; however, under the new owner, Donny’s Daunting Dog Jail has essentially… gone to the dogs.
An investigative notebookist (like a journalist, but not as good,) snuck inside to survey the current conditions of the dog jail reporting shit-stained paw prints lining the ceilings, cards being counted in poker games, and Teddy nowhere to be found.
It was truly some ruff living conditions. Our buddy on the inside was able to send this report over shortly before being brutally stabbed by a dog bone shaped shiv wielding Shih Tzu.
They are currently hospitalized and tube-chuggin’ Zboraleg, but should make a less than decent recovery.
Upon hearing the conditions of the jail, the Board of Trustoos gathered to determine who would replace Upgrade Teddy as the newer owner of Donny’s Daunting Dog Jail.
The board consists of Upgrade Tina, Upgrade Tony, the overflowing urn of Big Jim, and Schweppy.
Most folks would choose Tony, who has extensive past experience running a petting zoo off-planet. However, after the deaths of every single one of his pets by an unlicensed exterminator who was negligently hired off the street, it’s hard to say if he is the right fit to take care of these fluffy felons.
Tina has run a few out-of-hut businesses of her own, even reaching the heights of receiving a towny award for most Sad Chip sales in the region. Unfortunately, her monster-pet was brutally sliced by a garage sale customer in an exchange-of-goods gone wrong.
This is, of course, in no way held against her, unless you think handing out free power babies to murderers is cause for judgement; in that case, they should definitely rethink her ability to handle a drooling criminal uprising.
Schweppy is sticky; there’s not much more to say there. When questioned as to whether he was capable of the responsibility, he simply responded, “I give a little kiss”.
In our newsly opinion, Schweppy’s seem to have good enough qualifications, but our bets are still on Big Jim, who overall is least problematic.
The Board has decided to take the weekend to make their decision, despite the dogs’ impending tunnel excavation. It’s rumored that they are pretty good diggers and may be out by morning.
We reached out to Upgrade Teddy to ask about this entire endeavor, but he refused to comment. It seems that the haunting mystery of his brother’s death may have had an overwhelming effect on his ability to both run a dog jail and answer our deeply intrusive questions about his failures.
A close but not personal friend has stated “It would be a hot dildo to the wound of Donny’s death to take that dog jail from Teddy, even if that means it crumbles to ruins, bankrupts him, and unleashes hounds on unsuspecting citizens”.
A fund has been established to deal with the financial burden that would accompany fixing the dog jail. Those who would like to donate can visit:
www.Teddyletthedogsoutweshouldkillhim.gofundyourself.org
#DogsBelongInJail #OneBitMeOnce #IDefinitelyHoldGrudgesAskMyMotherInLaw
